First post, my confession...
I had a conversation over the past week that made me realize that I needed to confess something. Something that I have evidently kept hidden very well for many years. I thought most people knew but someone very close to me made me realize that I had covered it up too well at times.
Now some of you are going to be very disappointed with this confession if you are looking for some juicy gossip. Sorry, you will not find that here. This is just a confession of a condition that I have suffered from for years. I have tried to keep it hidden but anyone that was close to me could have easily guessed.
I suffer from depression and have for many, many years. This type of depression is called Persistent depressive disorder (dysthymia). I don't really remember when it started. I don't really remember not being this way. You see when you look at the factors or reasons that people get this disorder two of those are due to chemical factors or inherited traits. Mine is a combination of both, but we will not get into that.
There were many things that happened that did not help my depression beginning around Junior High age. There was the bullying that I never told anyone about because of who the bullies were. They would not have been stopped. An adult witnessed it time and time again and never said a word to them. It wasn't the type of bullying that kids go through today but it was bad enough for that day and time.
There was rejection by 2 groups that really should have accepted me according to what they professed. They did not exactly walk what they talked.
There were lots of other little blows to my self-esteem and ego along the way. I was always an easy target to make fun of and it seemed to be worse around family.
I really realized that I really had a problem when I walked into high school one morning and the guy I was dating at the time asked me how I was. I answered differently than my normal, "ok, I guess" and said, "I am good!". He said to the person standing beside him, "Great! The one day she is in a good mood and I have to ruin it by telling her about this!" ("This" was a wreck in which a friend had been killed, my cousin and another friend were hurt and in the hospital.) I knew then and there that I had a problem but I had no idea what to do! So I did nothing.
The summer after my senior year in high school, I fell into a bad depression. My mother took me to a different doctor than normal because our family doctor was sick. This doctor correctly diagnosed me with depression and wanted to put me on medication. That was not acceptable at that time. The stigma was just too much for my parents.
Fast forward to 1989 when Layne was 2. We thought we were about to have our second child. Seven weeks into the pregnancy, we found out that it was a tubal pregnancy and I had emergency surgery. I woke up during the surgery, almost died on the operating table, and blamed myself for losing the baby. I also had a Sunday School teacher who said that it was because of past sin in my life that I lost the baby. I did a nose dive at that point.
We decided to try and adopt a few years later. We were told about a 7-year-old Romanian girl named Katie. Long story short, we were 28 days away from Katie coming to live with us and the family giving her up threw us a curve ball! We could not agree to their requirements and we they withdrew from the process. We were all devastated! Layne said she could not go through the process again so we dropped the idea of adoption altogether. I crashed and burned this time.
It was at this point that I finally got the help that I needed but only partially. I received medication but no therapy. I know now that was a mistake. I did not talk to anyone about what I was feeling. I did not think anyone would understand. I tried a couple of times but they always interrupted me with their stories of adoption horror. That was not what I needed or wanted to hear!
After a few years of taking the medication, I was guilted into thinking that it was wrong to take it by listening to some well-meaning, however, ill-informed people. The guilt was all mine, please do not mistake what I am saying! All it takes is one seed of doubt in the mind of a depressed person to make them doubt everything about themselves and their actions. I allowed the seed to grow because I was not well-versed enough in my own faith to take a stand. I took myself off of the medication. Do not ever, ever, ever, ever do this!!! It was not a good thing and it was not a good time.
So let's fast forward to today. I have finally come to grips with the fact that I have this disorder and it is here to stay. On top of that, I have recently discovered that there is anxiety mixed in there that I never realized existed. I thought everyone felt this way! Then I was reading the description of GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and realized I have that as well. I have found someone who has been able to help me get medication that helps in both areas and lets me get through the day without the constant ups and downs, sadness, and all the other ugliness that comes with it.
Some of you will read this and have a different view of me now. Some of you will decide that you can trust me more and some will trust me less. Some of you would have never guessed this and some will think that this explains so very much! To some of you, this is no surprise. We have talked about our problem and how we each overcome it in our own ways. We have helped each other and been a support for one another.
So why am I telling you about this now? Well, there are lots of people in and out of my counseling office on a daily basis whose minds are immediately calmed when I tell them that I identify with their problem personally. I see a wall fall down and they open up and talk more freely. I don't mean this to be a commercial for my services but I do mean for it to be an invitation for any friends or family that may need to talk about seeking help.
If you are feeling any symptoms of depression, anxiety, or any other mental disorder, please seek help. If you do not know where to go, ask me. I will give you the name of someone I trust. Got to your doctor. Your primary care provider can help you find the name of a good therapist. Go to your pastor, the first place a person should be able to go for any type of help is to the church. Please just talk to someone! I care.
Now some of you are going to be very disappointed with this confession if you are looking for some juicy gossip. Sorry, you will not find that here. This is just a confession of a condition that I have suffered from for years. I have tried to keep it hidden but anyone that was close to me could have easily guessed.
I suffer from depression and have for many, many years. This type of depression is called Persistent depressive disorder (dysthymia). I don't really remember when it started. I don't really remember not being this way. You see when you look at the factors or reasons that people get this disorder two of those are due to chemical factors or inherited traits. Mine is a combination of both, but we will not get into that.
There were many things that happened that did not help my depression beginning around Junior High age. There was the bullying that I never told anyone about because of who the bullies were. They would not have been stopped. An adult witnessed it time and time again and never said a word to them. It wasn't the type of bullying that kids go through today but it was bad enough for that day and time.
There was rejection by 2 groups that really should have accepted me according to what they professed. They did not exactly walk what they talked.
There were lots of other little blows to my self-esteem and ego along the way. I was always an easy target to make fun of and it seemed to be worse around family.
I really realized that I really had a problem when I walked into high school one morning and the guy I was dating at the time asked me how I was. I answered differently than my normal, "ok, I guess" and said, "I am good!". He said to the person standing beside him, "Great! The one day she is in a good mood and I have to ruin it by telling her about this!" ("This" was a wreck in which a friend had been killed, my cousin and another friend were hurt and in the hospital.) I knew then and there that I had a problem but I had no idea what to do! So I did nothing.
The summer after my senior year in high school, I fell into a bad depression. My mother took me to a different doctor than normal because our family doctor was sick. This doctor correctly diagnosed me with depression and wanted to put me on medication. That was not acceptable at that time. The stigma was just too much for my parents.
Fast forward to 1989 when Layne was 2. We thought we were about to have our second child. Seven weeks into the pregnancy, we found out that it was a tubal pregnancy and I had emergency surgery. I woke up during the surgery, almost died on the operating table, and blamed myself for losing the baby. I also had a Sunday School teacher who said that it was because of past sin in my life that I lost the baby. I did a nose dive at that point.
We decided to try and adopt a few years later. We were told about a 7-year-old Romanian girl named Katie. Long story short, we were 28 days away from Katie coming to live with us and the family giving her up threw us a curve ball! We could not agree to their requirements and we they withdrew from the process. We were all devastated! Layne said she could not go through the process again so we dropped the idea of adoption altogether. I crashed and burned this time.
It was at this point that I finally got the help that I needed but only partially. I received medication but no therapy. I know now that was a mistake. I did not talk to anyone about what I was feeling. I did not think anyone would understand. I tried a couple of times but they always interrupted me with their stories of adoption horror. That was not what I needed or wanted to hear!
After a few years of taking the medication, I was guilted into thinking that it was wrong to take it by listening to some well-meaning, however, ill-informed people. The guilt was all mine, please do not mistake what I am saying! All it takes is one seed of doubt in the mind of a depressed person to make them doubt everything about themselves and their actions. I allowed the seed to grow because I was not well-versed enough in my own faith to take a stand. I took myself off of the medication. Do not ever, ever, ever, ever do this!!! It was not a good thing and it was not a good time.
So let's fast forward to today. I have finally come to grips with the fact that I have this disorder and it is here to stay. On top of that, I have recently discovered that there is anxiety mixed in there that I never realized existed. I thought everyone felt this way! Then I was reading the description of GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and realized I have that as well. I have found someone who has been able to help me get medication that helps in both areas and lets me get through the day without the constant ups and downs, sadness, and all the other ugliness that comes with it.
Some of you will read this and have a different view of me now. Some of you will decide that you can trust me more and some will trust me less. Some of you would have never guessed this and some will think that this explains so very much! To some of you, this is no surprise. We have talked about our problem and how we each overcome it in our own ways. We have helped each other and been a support for one another.
So why am I telling you about this now? Well, there are lots of people in and out of my counseling office on a daily basis whose minds are immediately calmed when I tell them that I identify with their problem personally. I see a wall fall down and they open up and talk more freely. I don't mean this to be a commercial for my services but I do mean for it to be an invitation for any friends or family that may need to talk about seeking help.
If you are feeling any symptoms of depression, anxiety, or any other mental disorder, please seek help. If you do not know where to go, ask me. I will give you the name of someone I trust. Got to your doctor. Your primary care provider can help you find the name of a good therapist. Go to your pastor, the first place a person should be able to go for any type of help is to the church. Please just talk to someone! I care.
I would have never guessed this Jan!! its obvious that God's glory shines in our weakness!! God is truly using you to help others. I know you and Tom were a great inspiration to me when we during our Bible study!! May God bless you in everything you do!!!
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